I was always too afraid to ask, because we’re not supposed to call attention to the ads…

But now that they’ve disabled me, My Pretties, do you think I should ditch Google’s Adsense?

I mean, technically, they ditched me already, but I appealed.  They said I had invalid clicks.  Which is about the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.

Anyway.  Are the ads annoying?  Do you think I should get Blogher ads?  Should I just leave it as it is?  (Which is presently, without ads.)

Honestly, this site has never made any money.  Only now, 14 months into having this URL, have I even come close to getting a check from Adsense.  And that check would’ve been a whopping $109.00 or whatever.  Really, in the scheme of things, this site is NOT a money maker.  I’ve never even had a donation to my paypal account. Nor any hits off of my Amazon bookstore.

I do it for fun.  Though I thought maybe a passive income would be kind of cool.

It might just not be for me.  The ads, that is.

Which would be fine.  What is your preference?  And should I really care what  your preference is?

I wish I could talk more about my family.

It’s a bitter pill that instead of swallowing, I tend to discard because… well because writing about your family always tends to backfire and people get mad and don’t call for five months.  Or forever.  That’s the problem with blogging.  You can’t really vent about the personal things because someone will read it and be pissed.

Hell, family isn’t unique in this fashion.  You can’t blog about friends, either.  Which is why sometimes I don’t write about all these emotional things that could just as easily function as blog fodder.

Perhaps I need an anonymous blog, too.

But then I would have TWO blogs, and that’s twice the responsibility and frankly, that just doesn’t sound very appealing to me.  YOU, maybe, but then, I couldn’t tell you about my other blog because then it wouldn’t be anonymous.

So I guess I don’t write about those things.

Even if I try to leave it anonymous, eventually, one of you knows who I’m talking about, and then it becomes this big, dramatic ordeal and it just annoys me to think that even though this is MY blog, I still can’t write everything I think of down into words and put them on the internet.

Which I s’pose is fine.

Lame.

I guess what it comes down to is that I have to question my intentions with this blog.  Do you ever have that question, like, where am I going with this?  What is this form of expression I’m trying to create?  Is this a public diary, or is this a place where I showcase my abilities and talents?

I don’t even know.

And it’s when I lose that direction that I spend days not blogging.

Boo.

I spent an ample amount of time doing just about nothing this weekend.

Phew!  I needed to take that little break from activity, too.  I realized this season more than ever that I’m exhibiting those elusive introvert mad skillz I’ve pruned into perfection.  I typically lie smack dab in the middle of the introvert/extrovert spectrum.  This year, I am introvert.  Especially after the holidays.

Thank goddess for two days of absolutely NO social time.  Minus the kids.  They’re social creatures.  They insist on talking to you as long as they are awake.  Of course, I realize that this need for conversation is directly linked to their lack of television viewing– there’s nothing to distract them and therefore they make believe and talk a lot.  And that makes me smile.  Even though it’s fairly annoying.

I was pretty tired there after the holidays.  Sometimes being around people that you HAVE to be polite with drains the juice out of me.  Perhaps it’s not that at all– maybe I just needed to rejuvenate after non-stop flying through the hours sorts of days.  In fact, wasn’t it just yesterday that I was dreading the approach of Christmas?  Fuck, I think I blinked and I missed it.  I mean, I have recollection, but now it’s already the second week in January.  Right?  Argh.

I do want time to fly by right now.  Of course, it’s beneficial for me if time does fly by because I’m becoming slightly impatient for my “Career” to begin.  I know, still have ten more years.  And that sounds like a LOT on paper (or monitor),  but frankly, time goes by so quickly that I’m not sure that I will have to hold my breath until then without passing out.  Just need to keep moving.  Life is exhausting.

At the same time, I’m betting that if I wish it to fly by, and it does, then I might feel somewhat guilty for not enjoying NOW for the very moment that it is.  It’s precious, NOW, but it’s just… not exactly where I want to be.

I take that back.  NOW is perfectly where I want to be.  If I could snap my fingers and suddenly be done with the next ten years, I’d not appreciate the experiences I will learn.

And to reflect, ten years ago seems like quite a long time to have accomplished.

Ten years ago… Oooh.  Here we go.  What was I doing ten years ago?  I had only recently graduated from high school.  I was working at the coffee shop, getting ready to quit my job there and start working at Nextel.  I didn’t know it yet, though.

My two best friends were Annie & Raine.  I lived with Annie in the apartments over off of Union & Alameda.  Boy what a trip that was.  Always interesting, that’s for sure.  I hadn’t turned twenty-one yet, and I was still seeing Eric.  He was my first love.  In fact, if I recall correctly, I had only recently lost my virginity by then.  Yep.  That’s about right.  So, I was working at The Glory Cafe and Johnny’s Espresso Cafe.

What I didn’t know was that just a few months later, my childhood life was going to be over.  I was going to get my first real job, experience my first real heart break, and make the third of what would be a number of moves into a new living situation.  Change was a’coming.

Ten years ago was the beginning of a new era for me.   Ten years from now will be the beginning of yet another era.  Perhaps as I speak, this current moment in time is the beginning of another era.  I’m guessing that last year was technically the beginning, but since time flew by so quickly, I’m just not beginning to pick up the rhythm and set my pace accordingly. Becoming a member of an actual real immediate family will do that to you.

Since I’ve just decided that this is my next ten year era, I think I will name it.  At first I was thinking that The Decade of The Parenting and Being Someone’s Woman would be a good name for it.  But now, I think I’ll name it something more personal.  Maybe I’ll call it Rodrigo.

When she was little, she took care of herself.  There was adult guidance, but to what extent, she cannot remember much.  Except barbies.  She remembers those.  And time spent with the neighbor children.  They were as much her teachers as any adult ever could be.  And Nickelodeon.  Yes, Nickelodeon.

Amazing that she grew up into a decent person.  The adult examples weren’t the best, and the adult men were way worse than any other functional human could be.  There were drugs, people on drugs, violence, fornication, violent fornication, and several men.  Some of which were one and the same, others were not.

There were some wonderful adults who took this child into their arms and showed her what it was like to feel good about herself.  There were grown ups who taught her morals from the Bible, which was perhaps her saving grace.  Again, much of one and the same.   It was an excellent foundation for someone who knew only what was in her immediate home.  And in the homes of the people who lived next door.  And behind her.

While this foundation in Christ saved her, she could not hold on to it as an adult.  It didn’t embody several of the key morals she had discovered while living in a liberal home.  Most importantly it didn’t embody unadulterated love–pardon the pun–nor did it give the freedom to think what you will without much guidance.  It was the authoritative parent that says, “Thou shalt not be…” which was good for its purpose, but terrible for personal relationships.  Especially the ones she formed as a teenager.  Those relationships were just as purposeful and just as valuable as the Church, and because those relationships were innately sinful, she had to lose the stigma of sin in order to move forward.

Which she did.  Somehow she was blessed with the concept of challenges.  She knew that once one challenge had passed, there would be a reward, and not long after, an additional challenge. It was a continuum of challenges.  A cycle of learning.  A reward-oriented, pride-earning set of challenges that she could overcome.  After all, God did not ever give a person more than they could handle.  It was a theme of perseverence and experimentation.  You do not like one outcome, you try something new for a different outcome.

A series of relationships with friends and lovers taught her what it was to be human.  And she listened to every person faithfully and without judgment.  They would talk with her because they knew she would not see them in a different light than they presented themselves.  She listened well because she knew that in order to be best armed against the next challenge, she would have to have paid attention to all of the tools and variables available to fight her next battle.  She seemed altruistic, but it wasn’t altruism, it was self preservation.  And it worked.

Each daybreak held one more opportunity to discover the world.  There were men to seduce, women to befriend, and philosophies to digest.  There were books to read and thoughts to think.  There were natural drugs to taste and costumes to wear.  There were places to live, a new one every few months.  There were jobs to work and people to meet.  She devoured each moment as a time to figure out exactly why things had been the way they were when she was young, and wondered if life wasn’t just a series of moments meant to bring you closer to a higher truth.  All things served their purpose, and once she had consumed one lesson, she outgrew it and moved on to the next.

Eventually, she moved into a place where she could address the emotional scars that disfigured her soul.  She never denied their existence, only pushed them back down into hiding when they interfered with her learning.  She had become hard, emotion-free.  She had learned to deflect emotional situations by presenting a blank face.  People would tell her things that they shouldn’t, and she would listen.  Judgment free.  It was a coping mechanism to not react.  Even the most volatile of situations could be defused with a caring face and a nod.  Be unthreatening by blending in.  These scars bled freely at times, but never in a way that exposed her to herself.  Or to others.

She could pick the scabs in private times, peeling the dried blood away from her heart, holding each clot up to the light and peering at it through a magnifying glass.  What was this?  What caused this in her?  How could she find a band aid that would fit right?  It was never denial, only postponement of dealing with it.  Within her own mind, there were scars that needed to be dealt with, and it wasn’t until each issue had interfered with her own learning that she forced herself to address it.  Anorexia.  Abandonment.  Doubt.  Distrust.  Anger.  Sadness.  Low Self Esteem.

Bit by bit, gently, she scrubbed these wounds.  She picked out the identifiable pieces and laid them all out on the table.  It was painful, but she forced herself to appreciate the pain.  Like glowing needles piercing her skin, she forced herself to understand these scars.  It didn’t require faith.  It required an innate need to fix the situation so that she could move forward.  Some of the scars healed up nicely, others never did.  But the ones that did not became centerpieces for new functional patterns.  Instead of starving herself, she became a vegetarian.  Instead of being abandoned, she embraced impermanent relationships.  Instead of doubt, she allowed for acceptance.  Distrust became disregard.  Anger became motivation.  Sadness became contrast.  Low Self Esteem became pride.

While these were not fixes, they were steps in the right direction.   They were movement towards confidence and comfort.

She found her faith in the universe.  She began to take comfort in the earth.  She began holding her palms up in gratitude and understanding how to draw forth the things that she desired from the experience.  She came to a spot where she could, over time, allow for the emotional springs to start dripping forth in a steady, slow stream of consciousness that were neither bombarding nor underappreciated.  There was moderation, and expression.  There was a gradual movement into becoming okay with the things that had passed, okay with the things that had come to be, and excited about the things that were to come.

She was finally safe to express herself.

It was then that she found love.  Love in its purest sense.  Love that binds her to its expression eternally.  Love for herself, and love for another.  She began to attract gratifying and empowering love notes from the ground.  She began to feel the magical pulse of energy in her fingertips.  She began to experience intuition and premonition.  She was unstoppable.

We’re not really sure where the story ends.     For the longest time, she thought it was a short story, one that ended in tragedy and a black hole of loss and regret.   That’s probably why she pushed so hard at every moment to squeeze the absolute last drop of learning from every morsel she tasted.  Now she’s not so sure that it ever will end.  Even in the bleakest and darkest moments, there is finally something that has perpetuated her story forward.  With or without her.  It continues.  She is one.  She has won.

Card that represents ME:

Queen of Wands

Woman who has an attractive personality and draws people to her.  Woman in her maturity.  Has a sensible attitude and can be most helpful with good advice.*

I tend to pick this card to represent me most of the time when I read.  She reminds me of me in that I value my ability to give sensible advice.  Plus the whole interest in psychology leads me to want to be helpful.  Additionally, she has a black cat, which represents my own cat, Rio, who left my path a few years back.

What covers me:

Page of Swords

A young person’s activities could be causing you some concerns.  Young boy, girl, or child.  Someone is definitely on the defensive, you may not like the possible delay in plans.  Could indicate news that will consider disappointing.

This card is supposed to allow me to go beyond my initial question, “What does 2009 hold for me?”  If a court card shows up here, it indicates that another person is involved in the client’s inquiry.   I’m not entirely sure who the page represents– obviously the kids in my life could be possibilities.  Perhaps this indicates that parenting is constantly on the front of my mind and is a filter for everything I think about.

What crosses me for good or bad:

Knight of Wands

Young man can create vibrations that will call for sudden decisions or change in life.  Expect someone to present thoughts or ideas pertaining to business which will be advantageous.  The start of finish of an important situation; spread will determine.  Journey by water or over water; also possible change of residence.

Whatever this card represents can be determined in the light of the remaining spread.  Whether it is favorable or unfavorable depends upon the card itself and the client’s question.  It’s better to scrutinize the entire spread carefully before offering an interpretation.  It looks good, though.  The opportunity to travel might cross my path.  Hopefully the travels involve going camping.

The basis of the situation:

Five of Wands, Reversed

Harmony and a sense of peace will prevail.  Watch out for exciting new opportunities.  Keep body and mind trim.  Be prepared to accept a flow of harmonious vibrations into your life.

This card reveals the real origin of the client’s question.  Pay special attention to this card.  2008 was a difficult year for me.  Perhaps this indicates my desire for peace, calm, and harmony.  I’ve got it now, I think I’ll hang on to that feeling this next year.

Behind me, or in the process of leaving:

Seven of Wands

You are well blessed with inner strength.  Strong character; can hold on in any adversity.  Under pressure at work or in some other situation.  Rest from undue tensions; you will see things more clearly.

From this card you can see the immediate baground of psychic vibrations experienced.  Depending on your attitude, the condition indicated may still be with her.  I sure hope so.

What crowns me or could come into being:

Ace of Pentacles

Beginning of prosperity and successful ventures.  Everything’s great; good foundations should bring the best results.  Could indicate receipt of a very important document or letter.  Educational degree, award or other legal document. The beginning of money interests.

This card relates to situations not yet materialized and so is extremely helpful in advising.  You can see a possible– often probable course of future events.  Hooray!!!

What is before me:

Judgement, Reversed

Uneasy feeling, lonely and often in a self-made rut.  Longing to be free of certain situations but cannot see a way out.  Feeling sorry for yourself will not help the situation.  Time to review your life to date and make plans for the future.  Release yourself, don’t allow fear to keep you locked into a situation.  Try new ideas, a new job, or maybe move far away and start again.  Loneliness or sickness can be affecting you.  Consider the spread carefully and you will be able to find help.

Consider also the final card. These two cards have a positive correlation.  One leads to another. A repeating theme in my life has to do with not acting out of fear.

What represents my own negative feelings:

Ace of Wands

New things starting. Activity starting in business or social affairs.  Beinning of something new.  May be job, career, or way of life.  Possible birth in the family or to someone close to you.  Look out for telephone call, letter, telegram, information.  Accept any invitations offered. The beginning of enterterprise and distinction.

In the past, I have touted the confidence in accepting change.  Over the last year, I defiantly resisted change.  It’s now time to be malleable again and realize that change is good.

What represents the feelings of those around you:

Seven of Swords, Reversed

Listen carefully, someone may be offering the advice and help you need.  It isn’t all that bad! In fact it isn’t half as bad as you think.  You will have something returned.  Don’t let false pride stand in your way.

This card helps me see another person’s point of view.  I don’t do well in asking for advice, and I often feel like the advice I receive is either wrong or not for me.  I’m sure others see that in me.

What represents my own positive feelings:

Eight of Wands

Acceleration in your affairs; movement, news coming in.  Goal within reach; new ideas will bring satisfactory conclusions.  To have control the budget must balance.  Indication of travel in connection with business.

How do I really feel?  I’m ecstatic over the idea of finishing my degree.

The Outcome:

Ace of Swords

The seeds of success and triumph are now taking root.  Worried, depressed, sad.  Anxiously expecting the worst to happen.  If you want change, you can make it happen.  Make long-term goals and plan ahead; keep your thoughts on the happiness of tomorrow.  It is not the end of everything, it is the beginning of something new; forget the past and put your energies into new ideas and plans.  The beginning of struggle and animosity.

I must take care to take responsibility for creating the exact change I want in my life.  Change isn’t bad, especially when I am the one initiating it.

6 Wands:
Many wands in the spread indicates movement, activites, change.   Generally indicates a situation involving enterprise and distinction.

Overall, a strong theme of change.  Perhaps there is a new business opportunity in my future.  Perhaps I may have challenges in accomplishing my degree.  It may have something to do with my school schedule, and apparently I need to be flexible and really embrace the idea of doing something differently than I had originally planned.

*Much of the text here is taken from my Tarot handbook.  All of the artwork is Rider-Waite, and taken from this website.

I didn’t make any particular new year’s resolutions.

I would like to get rid of the junk that’s piling up on the side of our house.  And I’d like to get rid of the extra stuff we have lying around.  Slowly, I’m doing this.  But sometimes slowly just isn’t fast enough.

I’d like to finish the bathroom remodel.  And get the dresser that’s in the garage moved up into Tyler’s room.  I’d like to… God there’s a lot of things I need to do.

School begins in three weeks.  Fuckin A Batwoman. Today, after finally falling asleep at 4 AM whilst the party attendees we were with played Guitar Hero from about… oh, 9 PM until 4:30 AM, and then waking up several times on the air mattress we slept on, then arising at 9 AM so we could get headed back home… well, today’s not the day to really be thinking about all of the energy-hungry things I need to do. (Did I mention that I despise video games?  At least I saw my AmberLotus and met a few fabulous people!)

I wrote an update status on FB saying that I hoped 2009 flies by as quickly as 2008.  I’m not mad at 2009 and I do plan on enjoying it, but frankly, I am super stoked to have earned my BA.  And yes, there will be more schooling after that.  Much more.  But at least then I will have a piece of paper saying I spent the last 4-5 years actually doing something.  Hehehehe.  I know that sounds silly coming from me.  I’m ALWAYS doing something.  But f’rillz.  I need that official paper.  Stat!  Put the damn certificate on my wall, baby.

Otherwise, 2009 will be absolutely amazing.  Frankly, I’d be glad if this whole winter season flies by and then Spring and Summer dragged on forever– but I know better than that.  Spring and Summer are high energy seasons for me.  They are beautiful, green, and warm.  But Spring and Summer times are when I’m busy from dawn until the wee hours of night.  Something about more daylight.  I love that part of the year!!!

2008… now what an interesting year of growth and learning.

I don’t want to look back on the hard parts.  Ohmygoddess they were difficult to get through.  Very, very blue.  At the same time, the good parts were amazing, wonderful.  My life changed dramatically in 2008, and I’m pleased at the way things have turned out.  I picked a wonderful life to enjoy.  I couldn’t have done it any better.

I learned a lot about step-parenting.  And about living with my partner.  And both are actually pretty simple, and completely rewarding.  There wasn’t a single fight or argument or even heated debate between Landon & I, and that just reiterates once again the beautiful choice we made in being together.    At first I wrote, “choice I made in being with him,” but that doesn’t really do the relationship justice.  Being together is a joint decision, and it takes work and effort and dedication from both people.  He and I both made that choice, and it’s absolutely exactly what we both desire.  And the effort is worth it, and frankly because both of us see it as being what we want, the effort is next to nothing.

That is the biggest part of the change in who I am throughout 2008 has been.  I became a partner (technically, I became a partner in the late parts of 2007), a parent, and have done well with even the most exacerbating challenges one could go through as a new parent or partner.  Of course I did… I am the over-achiever, Type A sort who has to do well on anything I put my mind to…

So… I guess as far as New Year’s resolutions go… Well, I think I should read my cards more this year.  And keep up on playing the piano.  And make sure I get enough sleep.  Daily.  And I’d like to focus energy on being a better behavioral example for the kids.  You know, grown up stuff.  I plan on getting the garden planted earlier this year.  And I plan on cleaning out the clutter.  And things of this nature.  Financially, we’re doing everything right in order to completely be on track, and that’s not so much a resolution as much as a way of life.

This last year was pretty amazing.  I’m not going to forget all the many lessons I learned.  This next year will be exponentially better, fantastically more enjoyable, and significantly less stressful.  So mote it be.

Weather is damn near perfect today.

We just got up a few hours ago.  Slept in terribly late because we were out all night partying across the street with our best friends, Tina & Jon.  It was Tina’s birthday, and she had a little party.  There were five couples, I think… and the ladies sat around and talked while the guys played pool, threw darts, and played air hockey.  I made a new friend!!  It’s beautiful to find kindred spirits… and I found a good one!  I love it when that happens.

Isn’t it funny?

Landon’s in the kitchen, whistling along with his new Raconteurs CD, making chile rellenos for his Grammy.  I’m getting ready to throw another load of laundry in…  For a minute I thought of everything to do today, and I was THRILLED when I realized that I could scratch homework off of my list.  Hooray!!!

When I’m actually done with school, I’m probably going to be bored out of my mind.  I mean, how could one possibly get along with no homework after 15 years of schooling POST-high school!?

It’ll be crazy, and I’m going to love every minute of it.

Today I focus on my beautiful, warm, happy, healthy, loving, calm and safe home.  I focus my energy on learning a smooth and focused ability to play my piano.  I focus my energy on being able to paint you a picture with my words.  I focus my energy on achieving my goals, allowing for challenges and continuing to plow through them with ease and delight.  I create a clean environment, free of clutter and easy on the eyes.  I focus my energy on my warm and affectionate partner in this life.  I focus my energy on raising two brilliant and amazing children.  I focus my energy on attracting people cut from the same cloth as we are.  I focus my energy on the comfort of sleep, and the entertainment from the fellow little creatures we provide for in this home.  I focus my energy on blessings and ritual.  I focus my energy on my reliable car that gets me from here to my job easily.

My life is beautiful.  It is easy, and energetic. It’s fruitful and aware. And there is plenty of time to get everything done that I desire.

I believe in the magical.

Not because these things necessarily have special powers, but because I believe in the power of belief in something.

To quote my man, “What you believe works for you, to the extent that you believe it.”

I’ve known a Christian who was healed of a terrible bone cancer through the power of prayer.

I’ve seen vicious prayer-encloaked gossip sessions turn terrifying, as the room filled with demons.

I’ve been caught up in shared visions with a close girlfriend.

I’ve heard people speaking in tongues, possessed by their Lord.

I’ve met angels who’ve brought news of comfort and then disappeared without a trace.

I’ve found comfort in Jesus, when I could only see him in my bedroom mirror.

I’ve watched inanimate things move on their own accord.

I’ve had intuitions that were positively psychic.  Lots of them.

I’ve seen people in trances, I’ve cast my own spells.

I’ve read tarot and had a solid answer to my question after I’ve read it.

The same basic thread?  Belief.  Belief will bring you to your knees.  It will make a grown man cry.  It can cause miracles and provide explanation for the unexplainable.  Spirituality is a desire that runs so deeply within most of us– so deeply that at its peak, most of us would burst with explosive energy just to feel that way again.  It’s a desire, a need, a part of the human psyche that can only be left unquenched when you refuse to allow yourself to move towards the natural state of ethereality, regardless of what shape or color your own personal belief system looks like.

It’s a human condition to be possessed by spirituality. Apparently it’s a very regularly occurring condition also to believe that what you believe is the only possible right belief system. Which, to me, is a sad form of ignorance because the various forms of spirituality are as vast and as beautiful as every individual in their own right.  To deny the utter perfection in every frame of belief system is to deny the perfection that is the beauty and difference found in each of us.  It’s beautiful because it’s personal.  And ultimately, it’s perfect because spirituality is not something that’s a one size fits all sort of passion.  Instead, it is something that blankets everyone in their own flavor, bringing forth an entire rainbow’s spectrum of shapes and sizes of spirituality.

My form of spirituality is magic.  I believe in magic, just like those Disneyland commercials try to capture in their theme song.  (Is that their theme song still?)  I believe in energy and that every thing has its own level of energy.

Science is able to paint for me a clearer picture of this magic, and humanity and psychology push the canvas further and further out from the center point of my belief system, covering a vast expanse of area that just fits right for me.   The great part about this is that my form doesn’t have to look appealing or appeasing to you because my spirituality is not designed for anyone besides myself.

There are so many herbs to become familiar with!

I just purchased a new (used) book for myself.  I’m very excited to immerse myself in it completely.

I also purchased a second gift for myself, the Witches Calendar for 2009!

This is such a beautiful calendar, and it has SO many interesting bits of information for every month.  It has daily colors, astrological information such as when the moon enters different signs, the moon phases, and when Mercury goes into retrograde, etc.  I’m SO excited to begin my new year with such a rad work of art!!

There were a few other gifts, such as my